Say it in 29 words, not 116

By Trey Reeme on March 21, 2006

14 Comments

In 1997 John Morkes and Jakob Nielsen wrote Concise, SCANNABLE, and Objective: How to Write for the Web. They concluded that users primarily scan web pages instead of reading them, prefer short text, and “detest anything that seems like marketing fluff or overly hyped language (‘marketese’).”

Ten years later and bad web copy still abounds. Want an example? Let’s look at some content written by a slightly younger and much more verbose me.

It was once the content for the “About Us” section of our site:

We’re not a computer company. We’re a productivity company.

Trabian Technology is a business application development and consulting company whose commitment is to help you revolutionize every aspect of your business operations. Trabian isn‚Äôt a computer company; we’re a productivity company.

Our goal isn’t to convince you to use the latest (or most expensive) technology. Instead, we help you locate the solutions and define the operating procedures that increase your overall efficiency and productivity of your business.

Trabian-powered applications and websites feature breathtaking design, solid architecture, and unexpected affordability, making our solutions ideal for businesses of all sizes. In addition to web design and development, our services include web hosting, custom software development, and consulting.

I doubt you read every word of that; it makes me snore and I wrote it. Good thing we shortened it to:

We help credit unions generate growth and connect with their members by building exceptional websites. Our clients trust us for content management, design, application development, hosting, and great conversation.

Somewhere between writing the crappy version and the current version I figured out how to:

  • Edit (Turn 116 words into 29)
  • Avoid sales-speak (Describing our work as “breathtaking” was a bad call)
  • Pay attention to web usability experts
  • Write with personality
  • Write (and read) often to keep the skillset sharpened

Writing the two sentence version of “About Us” wasn’t easy. But I’m confident it says more than the eight sentence version ever could.

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